Crushed by the Size of my Own Ambition
Dreaming big is nice and all, but waking up is less floral
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Hello!
I am back! I haven’t disappeared into the lethargy that August brought. Or maybe I did for a moment, but incubation is necessary sometimes.
I come bearing more ideas of all shapes and sizes: small ideas, medium-sized ideas, and large overarching ideas to give context to all the other smaller ideas.
In other words, I’ve been making lots of tables and organizing my many (dare I say ideas again).
I’m no longer in school, but the energy certainly feels like that of returning to school right now. New pens, empty notebooks which I swear I will keep tidy and cohesive, and lots of projects.
So much productivity and efficiency that I almost didn’t have time to write this newsletter today. Didn’t have time or didn’t make time?
It’s an interesting question to pick apart…
Big dreams and little time
Time is relative. I don’t mean to get very deep with this, I just mean it quite literally.
It’s relative.
Having it is relative, and so is using it.
It’s what you decide, but then, it’s also out of your control, passing with or without your consent, preparedness, and desire.
But time is a great teacher. It teaches you all sorts of things like how to heal, and those sorts of very true clichés, but also, it teaches you how to make better use of your energy.
Having many ideas is very lovely, but also very time and energy consuming.
I am very terrible, it seems, at having ideas in isolation. They prefer to arrive at me in packs that are very much above my budget of resources, time and energy.
I think of a small idea, like writing this one newlsetter, and then decide that that idea is lonely and lost without the context of much larger, all-encompassing idea.
So instead of writing this one newsletter, I structured an entire system to help me to organize my ideas for future newsletters into categories and themes. That, it seems, was more urgent to me, even though I decided the deadline for this here newsletter would be today.
Priorities…
Big dreams and a motivation to pay rent to
I am very much compelled to see my large plans through, though the motivation to arrive at that stage is as varied as my weekly menu. Sometimes clear, straightforward, and automatic. Sometimes a blur. Sometimes elaborate. Sometimes I just fast for a meal.
Motivation isn’t always clear-cut. Sometimes, some factors weigh more than others, and that’s fair game. When you need to pay your bills, that’s your motivation. When you need to feel you’re doing something meaningful, impactful, of service to others, or even to yourself, then that’s your motivation.
It doesn’t really matter that it stays the same. It matters more that you have it and keep it, so you can see your plans through, or have the wisdom to let them go if they are no longer serving your existence.
So out of sheer curiosity…
I made a quiz, it’s fun, I swear.
If none of my options are you, do share with me where you stand on this, I’d love to know.
I’m keeping this short and sweet today - my motivation was clearly justifying my long absence, being real as opposed to evasive, not waiting for a final product to take action, and proving to myself that I can commit to something (even if I failed at it for a minute).
I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your week!